“…Hold On For One More Day!”

I have been M.I.A… and I apologize. This is my excuse: 

You know that saying, “hanging on by a thread”… yeah. That was me this past week. After my houseguests left, and the interesting… umm… time spent with my sister’s new boyfriend ex-boyfriend, I was feeling irritated, frustrated and had completely fallen out of the routine I had started to establish for myself.

During the visit with my sister and her new boyfriend ex-boyfriend, I had an… accident… that may or may not have involved Tequila and a staircase. I know… I know… No need to reprimand me for my poor choices, as my useless, bruised up, scuffed up, swollen leg has done that for me!

Awesome! So now I’m in pain. Handicapped. Irritated. Frustrated. Sad. I spent most of my week on the couch or sprawled out in my king bed feeling useless and completely sorry for myself… while singing “1-tequila-2-tequila-3-tequila-FLOOR.” I cried more times than I can count this week, and most of those times were completely unprovoked. For the first time since my move, I found myself missing my whole support system back home.

You with the sad eyes
Don’t be discouraged
Oh I realize
It’s hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colours
Shining through
I see your true colours
And that’s why I love you

So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colours
True colours are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

No… I’m not crazy (although that could depend on your own definition). I have just been revived… by the 80’s! While lazily playing around on my laptop, ignoring my blog, and eating crunchy cheesies, I downloaded “Hold On” by Wilson Phillips (Bridesmaids was playing on the flatscreen). Then that got me going! 80’s music just started to flood my iTunes! I was a toddler of the late 80’s, but truly believe that I missed an era that was meant for me: Big hair, bigger hair, denim, and music that you can’t help but turn around and start singing or dancing along to! This 80’s-ish playlist of songs is my new “get off your a**” album, at the moment.

We all need a little music in our life. We need our own theme song, or theme “playlist” as I currently have. Those songs that, even on your worst of days, make you want to get up, crimp your hair, and dance around the living room wearing bright pink lipstick and singing into a hairbrush. My playlist isn’t necessarily composed of songs I would workout to, but they are songs that make me want to get up and do something! The best part about it, your playlist can change at any time, for any reason… as long as it inspires you in some way or another!

What’s your theme song (or songs)… Go ahead… Hit me with your best shot. Ha!

My most recent “get off your a** and do something” playlist!
80’s inspired lol!

P.S. It was weigh-in day yesterday… For those of you who may be wondering. Yes. I did weigh-in. After the week I had this weigh-in was remarkable to me. It was the universe’s way of telling me “Don’t give up… you haven’t set yourself back that far”…

It was… drum roll please… wah-wah… the SAME lol. I’m not unhappy with it because I was MORE than sure that it would be up. But it wasn’t… So let’s hope next week I have some better news!

It’s Not Cellulite, It’s My Body’s Way of Saying “I’m Sexy”… in Braille

A week that started in full force with a great outlook for yesterday’s weigh-in had more than a few distractions. My sister flew down to visit us for a week and brought along her new boyfriend that I was meeting for the first time.

So yes, I drank my fair share in alcohol this week.

I still managed to get to the gym… once. It’s difficult to leave your house guests behind and carry on with your regular workout routine. Smoothies as a snack also fell through as we were out of the house for most of the days. I did get in some physical activity while walking around and touring the city with them. We even had a splash at the water park!

Ooooh the water park! So nerve racking! I get into the good ol’ one piece and check myself out in the swirly IKEA mirror on the wall (if I position myself between two of the swirly mirrors that are slightly separated, I look half as big!). Hmmmm… cellulite on the front of my legs now too, eh!? When did you sneak up? The party got too big in the back and it had no choice but to expand around the front. Glad I could accommodate!

Cellulite… Cellulite, cellulite, cellulite. Before I ever visibly showed any signs of cellulite I was more than grossed out at the women who walked around with it showing. Eew! Why not cover up? It wasn’t until I was unsuspectingly attacked and overpowered by cellulite one dark evening, that I began to notice it sneaking up everywhere! Young, fit, 20-something year old women, walking around with their own braille codes on the backs of their legs and thighs. Cellulite doesn’t discriminate, either. Young, old, rich, poor… I have to admit, I am definitely one of those people suckered into the gossip magazines that feature incriminating beach photos of celebrities sporting their own braille messages. They are human! … sort of.

  

Have you attempted any of the shelf cellulite products? Pfft… I haven’t. Umm… Yeah. Okay, maybe I have tried it once… or, possibly, have a continuous supply of Nivea Cellulite Gel in my bathroom cupboard. I used to always buy the Nivea Cellulite Patches, until they were discontinued. The product was being discontinued and I still insisted on buying out the rest of the product left on the shelf because I swear “it worked!” I will not even attempt to explain my thought process behind that decision. Mind over matter. If I think it’s helping or reducing the appearance of the cellulite, then so be it. If I could afford to experiment with all of those expensive procedures that the celebrities are undergoing to reduce the appearance… I’d do those, too.

But, I can’t afford it. I can barely afford to keep up my stalk of all those firming gels and creams.

So…


Here it is, folks! A step-by-step guide to perfecting your own body braille message
:

1. Invite your younger sister, that you are incredibly overprotective of, for a visit and ask her to bring her new boyfriend that you know absolutely nothing about. You will find beer after beer spontaneously appearing in your hand.

2. Eat away your emotions with an over indulgence in snacks and salty or sweet treats.

3. Invite over a house-full of people to intimidate said new boyfriend and prepare a spread of hors d’oeuvres that you must first “taste test” to ensure quality.

4. Take your house guests downtown to the Byward Market and stop in at “Dunn’s Famous Market Deli,” and order the Bacon Poutine!

   

Oooh right… So… Weigh-in day was yesterday. Yeah:

This weigh-in would indicate a 0.2lbs weight loss. It’s worse than last week’s results; however, I have decided NOT to beat myself up about this one, as it is still down, and definitely not up, despite the number of hearty distractions that I have had this week!

Until next post, my friends…

“You Going to Eat That?”

The dinner table… No matter the size, style, or location, is a place where conversation and the social scene thrive. Families come together and catch up on the events of their day over the home cooked meal, or takeout, on the plate before them. Coworkers or business acquaintances gather together over a delectable five star meal while debriefing, networking, or closing deals. Friendships flourish over food, drinks and laughs.

Food has become a key aspect of our social behaviours. Conversations of many discourses take place in the presence of food.

But what about when the conversation turns to the plate? I do not simply mean commentary on the succulent deliciousness of the meal itself, or the aesthetic construction of the food on the plate. I’m referring to the food on the plate in relation to the person before it, and the subliminal social messages that can be derived from a variety of these scenarios.

Scenario 1: At the buffet, you load your plate with more pasta than any other selection

Someone responds: “WOW! You must REALLY like pasta!”

Possible Meaning(s): -They’ve concluded that you do really like pasta.
OR   -They are insinuating you eat a lot and this was a more than helpful serving
OR   -They suspect that you are a picky eater as you have mostly helped yourself to pasta
OR   -They believe that you do not like the food prepared at this particular buffet and pasta is usually a safe choice

Scenario 2: You help yourself to a small portion of food

Someone responds: “That’s all you’re going to eat?”

Possible Meaning(s): -b***h must be anorexic
OR    -omg not another “diet” chick
OR    -You’re a picky eater

Scenario 3: You load up your plate

Someone responds: “You must be hungry”

Possible Meaning(s): -Wow. You’re fat.
OR    -You’re eating so much more than anyone else here… it’s kind of embarrassing

    

Then there are also those scenarios where you are eating out with a couple of people, and the comparison of what is left on the plate. Is the person who eats the least the one with the most will power? The skinniest at the table? Obsessed with their body image? Is the person who eats the most a pig? The fat one? Do you ever find yourself checking out what is left on another person’s plate and catch yourself thinking or making the comment “you didn’t eat much” or “you must have been hungry”?

Let’s face it… The thoughts people have when examining the food on another person’s plate are barely positive. The thoughts or comments usually have some sort of critical undertones. I am definitely both victim and perpetrator of the above; however, I have never really thought anything about it post-comment… until it happened to me recently. The comment really struck me especially because I am currently undergoing this huge journey towards a healthier lifestyle change.

I was at a neighbour’s BBQ this past weekend, where a spread of healthy BBQ favourites were out for self-serve. There were lemon seasoned baked potato wedges, chicken kabobs, garden and potato salad, and garlic stuffed vine leaves. We all went to serve ourselves. Back on the patio furniture I was about to dig in, when another female at the party looked over at my plate and made the comment, “…that’s all you’re going to eat?”

A surge of thoughts immediately drowned my mind:

 

… She’s still looking at me. Quick! Say something!

“…I’m just tring to watch what I eat and how much I eat” (not a great response, I could have come up with something better… she didn’t need to know that). I thought the conversation would end there, but then came the rebuttal, “It’s all healthy food. Live life, eat well and enjoy food.” I then referred to my raspberry/banana smoothie on the table (that I had originally fooled everyone into thinking was an alcoholic beverage), and noted that I didn’t have a huge appetite. Instead of leaving the conversation at that, she began to tell me of a really good diet I should try, “but it’s not really a diet, it’s more of a healthy lifestyle thing…”

I’m sorry… what’s your name again? I seriously didn’t remember.

The nerve! Why do I need to explain myself to some stranger? Why is what I put on my plate of any concern to anyone else but myself? I was quite annoyed to say the least.

This prompted me to think about all of the times I had made comments like this, not thinking about the many and various meanings that another person can derive from such a comment- no matter what the intention may have been.

Afterthought: After publishing my post today, I began to think about what I had just written. I was reciting my post over and over again in my head. I originally thought that the main purpose of today’s post was to vent about an uncomfortable situation that had occurred; however, I realized that I have a bigger issue to deal with than someone simply commenting on my food portions. I have an insecurity with people taking notice to and pointing out my weakness: food, weight, health. Today’s post has revealed to me how heavily I weigh the opinions of others about myself. It’s something that my mother has always told me… “you care too much.” But I always saw it as a positive, and never really understood the negative impact this has had on me. Re-read my post… The inner dialogue I have when it comes to weight and food is so painfully negative. All of the “meanings” I listed behind the food directed comments others make were incredibly  judgemental and negative. Today’s “vent” was a really influential awakening for me… an important realization that, I believe, will help me along in this quest for health journey. I knew I needed to be more active. I knew I needed to make healthier food decisions. I knew I needed to better portion my food. I didn’t know that I was sabotaging all of these efforts from the inside out. I think the journey began in the wrong direction… one of those forks in the road… but I may be headed somewhere now.

Day of Reckoning

Today is the day… one week since my first weigh in.

Over this last week I can definitely say that I haven’t been doing all that I can. I have been going to the gym, but not much has changed in terms of diet or use of my downtime at home.

I woke up this morning unsure of how confident I was feeling, preparing myself for the weigh-in I was about to do. I began to go through various scenarios in my mind:

I know what you’re thinking… What the heck is with the bacon comment? Is she deliberately trying to sabotage herself? Don’t judge me… I’m working on it. CLEARLY not there yet.

I began to make the long walk down the stairs to the scale. Weigh-in morning. Gah… Not my favourite. I stopped half way down the stairs, where the swirly mirror from IKEA is hanging on the wall, and lifted my shirt half way up. I checked out my morning abs: You know, that tight feeling in your muscles you feel only in the morning… fooling you into believing some sort of six-pack has emerged. Something was wrong with the mirror because I couldn’t find any abs.

***Note to self: Windex the mirrors in the house***

There it was… the scale… face-to-face with my fr-enemy. Our last encounter was daunting as it mocked me, flashing my weight back at me, over and over again. I stepped onto the scale… 156.6lbs. This would mean that I am down 1.2lbs in weight.

I should be happy about this? Right? It shows that although I haven’t been doing much at least I’ve been doing something… No… Not happy. Feeling a little defeated, actually, and nauseous. But, as I promised myself, the scale was down… So I fried up some bacon 🙂 It was a bittersweet celebration, though.

Time to make a change, any kind of change:

I went to the gym today, as well… but I’m going to end it at that. I came home with the same nauseous feeling I woke up with this morning. I attempted to make some sort of dinner but ending up violently vomiting instead. Yeeeeeah. Bedtime for me.

“Predator” – (My post in honour of Shark Week)

It exists as it always has, in a sense of calm that every day routine brings, not aware of the premeditated attack soon to be upon it.

It is now being watched.
It is now being hunted.
It is now… prey.

The predator is known for its size, its ferocious bite, and its endless appetite. There are a number of competing theories about its feeding behaviour. Many have failed to thoroughly grasp and understand the behaviour and social structure of a beast that has both ruled and threatened a natural hierarchy in the food chain.

The predator is most feared for it’s carnivorous appetite, but has often been found to devour objects that it is unable to digest.

The prey is not granted the natural fear that consumes before it must succumb to its end, as the predator is an ambush hunter- hunting when visibility is poor.

Attacks have been well documented, raising both the fear, status and, ultimately, developing a business empire of all avenues profiting from its relentless size, appetite… and mystery.

The predator relies heavily on its senses for a successful hunt. Be weary of:

  • the colours you display
  • the way you smell
  • the extent of your movement

and

  • the amount of attention you draw to yourself…

for it will attack… When you least expect it!

Sweet Potato Fries often swim in packs- a mentality derived from a safety in numbers approach to survival.

This unsuspecting group of Sweet Potato Fries have no idea that they are being watched… they are being hunted… they are now… prey.

Their predators keen sense of smell has alerted it of the packs presence.

…..

……

Exclusive footage of the predator… mid-attack!

It is not reported what happened to the others in the pack. All that is known, is they vanished… without a trace…

Vanished… Without a trace…

So… uh… What’s the plan?

Since I started this blog I’ve been prompted to think daily about the choices I am making, why I am making them, and why my journey to a healthy lifestyle has been such an exhausting round of yo-yo. It seems as though I am finally beginning to understand and really grasp the core of my issues, my forks in the road, when it comes to getting organized, getting “on-track,” and getting healthy:

  1. Boredom: I am used to being a busy person, overly busy, always on the go. During the summer, when I have any kind of downtime or when I’m not stressing over the next thing that needs to get done, I get bored. When I’m bored I eat. It seems as though I thrive on the stresses of a busy “on-the-go” kind of lifestyle;
  2. My ongoing love affair with food: It honestly feels impossible to end my ongoing love affair with food. I just can’t seem to kick the junk. Like I’ve mentioned in previous posts, it’s an abusive relationship that I have with food. It stalks me, haunts me, doesn’t let me hang out with the good/popular kinds of food… it’s everywhere! Always trying to corrupt me! Even when I try to prepare a healthy meal, I black out and when I come to I am grating cheese over my healthy plate of food!
  3. Queen of Excuses: I am probably the Queen of Excuses as I can usually convince myself out of things quite easily: but I worked hard yesterday; I have a sore _____________; I didn’t overeat today so I don’t need to workout; I deserve a day off; I deserve a few days off; I’m on vacation; I’ll start on Sunday; It’s the holidays, though…
  4. Risking Failure: This one was kind of hard to admit. I don’t like to disappoint. My worst critic is most definitely myself; but, I can’t stomach the idea of failing in front of someone else and therefore failing myself. Why try if I won’t succeed. What a horrible inner dialogue to have. I feel sorry for myself right now…

Okay… I’m done… Pity party is over.

The recognition of these roadblocks is a crucial step towards making positive changes; however, there is one very important factor missing thus far in my journey towards living a healthier lifestyle- a plan of action.

It’s one thing to recognize and complain about all of the flaws in my journey towards achieving a healthier lifestyle, but I haven’t really considered, yet, conjuring up any kind of plan of action for myself. I come across so much literature, both online and in my daily life, about getting fit. There are always different workouts being suggested, different meal plans or foods to implement. I brush them all off. I guess I can add a 5th point to my list of road blocks:

I always want to do it my way, figure it out on my own. I hate it when perfect-bodied people are telling me how to get there. Sounds like a completely backwards way of thinking, doesn’t it!? I should listen, as they’re clearly doing something right, but I begrudgingly let it all fall upon a deaf ear.

“Leeeettttt meeeee doooooooooo it”- I have a lot of Stuart moments from MadTV:

I read a well-written blog post by Rachel today, who wrote about BER [Binge Eating Recovery]. Her post had a clear message, with a great picture (just in case I didn’t fully grasp the message the first time). This is exactly what I have been doing: trying to “out-exercise” my “bad diet.” This is also a primary contributor as to why I have been yo-yo’ing with my weight so excessively throughout my life. I don’t have a plan of action, yet, but it’s time to develop one. I assume that would also mean that it’s time to hear what others are saying about this healthy lifestyle thing… and really listen.

Where do I go from here? What’s my first step? Any starting points or suggestions would be great… and they won’t fall upon a deaf ear.

I am a Dorito

A little drawing I did while reflecting on today’s blog post

If what they say is true, ‘you are what you eat,’ then today I am unquestionably… a Dorito.

Thoroughly and with complete dedication, I started my day passive with just the right amount of sulk. I awoke from a dream that I had won $90,000.00, to be exact, from a Bingo scratch ticket. Realizing it was all just a dream I decided to roll over, flip my pillow to the cold side, and dive back into the life of the rich and famous.

Finally deciding that I should start my day, I hesitatingly rolled out of bed around 11:45am. I sank into my butt groove on the chaise as the Keurig was brewing a perfect French Vanilla for me in the background. Is today going to be the day? You know, the day I have been talking about: the day I get organized, the day I get “on-track,” the day I get healthy. No. It won’t.

Seeing how I already missed breakfast I decided to get right to lunch. Hmmmm… yogurt? Boiled egg and toast? Soup? Nah. Two pizza pockets were nuking to perfection in the microwave. There’s a lot of quality television on a Sunday. I took in a few episodes of “Four Weddings” (eating only a handful of Sweet Chili Heat Doritos, because I’ll only have 6 and be satisfied), then watched four consecutive episodes of some guys flipping houses (now standing in the kitchen and slowly eating one Dorito at a time from the bag, because if I only eat one at a time instead of a bowl or handful it won’t count as that much), only to move on to the three final episodes of “Launch My Line” (finishing the bag of Doritos).

Dying now on the couch as I am overfull and have consumed far too much salt than is good for an army of people I sulk: Whhhhyyy? OH WHY do I do this to myself. Maybe I’ll just stop blogging about it. Maybe I’ll open up the bag of tacos and melt some cheese onto them. The gym closes at 8:00pm on Sunday. It’s already 6:00pm. I don’t even have time to go. 

But WAIT! A quote, yes, an actual quote I had once read online by Horace has come to mind: “Rule your mind or it will rule you.” Well said, Horace, well said. I packed up my gym bag and was on my way (avoiding death en route because of an impatient driver passing traffic while driving in the oncoming lane). Despite all of my bad decisions today, despite the pizza pockets, and despite the bag of Doritos (OK… and a nanaimo bar that I forgot to mention), I decided to go to the gym. Honestly, I felt like crap my whole workout- but I did it. I pushed myself to the verge of vomiting. 

As it turns out, I am not a Dorito. I just ate a lot of them today, and I most likely won’t tomorrow (because there aren’t any left in the house). I am someone on a weight-loss journey that doesn’t always make the best decisions; however, every once in a while I surprise myself and make a good one 🙂

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