Yes… You DO Look Fat in That.

Do I look fat in this?”… Dum de dum dum duuummmmmmm. This age-old question is one that men think they fret; however, try being the girl-friend recipient of this… this… trick. No, wait, try being the brutally, can’t-help-myself, can’t-bite-my-tongue-if-I-tried, honest girl-friend recipient of this.

I pride myself on being an honest person, and an honest friend. I am not a sneaky bitch and I do not wish for my friends to go out with me looking like they’re the lead cadette of their own freak show. I want my friends to look good. I do not secretly wish to sabotage them with false praise. So when you ask me, “do I look fat in this?,” please be open to honesty. You may be able to see where this is going: I have, somewhat unfortunately for that friendship, answered “yes” to the above question. Honestly, it’s not us looking bad in clothes, it’s just that sometimes certain clothes look bad on us.

Let’s break it down a little. Why OH why would us gals pose such a question in the first place? There are a few possible scenarios, in my opinion, as to why this question has been asked:

1) Girl looks FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC… and knows it. She has yet to be showered in compliments and she takes this passive-aggressive approach in hopes of receiving, what she believes, are well-deserved compliments. Sneaky… but can work… sometimes (but with possible backlash).

2) Girl looks FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC… and doesn’t know it. She has been plagued with that unfortunate self-sabotaging esteem and cannot convince herself, or be convinced, that she looks good in anything she puts on. Sad… but we have all had, or have, this friend.

3) Girl has clearly been pre-drinking, or apparent vision problem, as she looks like a train wreck and honestly thinks she looks good; thus, trying to pull off girl in number 1 scenario. This is where the good and honest friend must pull through for her before all her itty-bits go on showcase.

4) THE TEST. Want to know if you’re friend is secretly trying to sabotage you? Feel like putting your man in an awkward situation to test his honesty, or just for shits n’ giggles? Put on something obviously horrible and pose the question. Many truths may be revealed… just make sure you’re prepared for the answer.

The point I am trying to make is that more people, more females, really need to start dressing for their body type (men, too, but men + fashion = borrrrrrring). Don’t know how to dress for your body type? No excuse! There is magazine upon magazine outlining various body types and the best suited jeans, tops, bathing suits, etc., to try on. Have you asked any of the employees in the clothing store to help you find a pair of dress pants suitable for your thunder thighs? Or a top that will enhance, not hide or over-expose, what your momma gave you?

Images of females squeezing themselves into clothes obviously sizes upon sizes too small have burned my retina for far too long. I must clarify and note that I do not care what your personal style is… I also don’t care what size you are; however, when I go out in public, whether you’re a size 0 or 20, I do NOT want to see any cracks, crevices or creases.

There are a lot of interesting debates I have heard, read about, or participated in, about attacking women for what they are wearing. There are a lot of people that mock or even bully the women, and there are others that are such complete advocates of women rights that they forget about the image before them and think that said woman should be able to subject others to all their private goodies without consequence.

What I urge us all to remember is that: The moment you walk out into public, rules change… don’t they?! You want to pee in the hallway at home… FINE! Let er’ flow. You feel like peeing on the sidewalk in public? …Handcuffs! You want to binge drink yourself useless while yelling at the television… Have fun! You want to binge drink yourself useless and yell at the bartender who has finally cut you off? …Handcuffs! You want to have naked Wednesdays at your house? Let it all hang out (but don’t forget the apron when you’re sizzling up that bacon)! You want to have naked Wednesdays at the office? …Handcuffs! There are LAWS that govern the way we conduct ourselves in public. If I go out in public and have to be subjected to… well… like I said, the cracks, crevices and creases of others- I have all the right in the world to be offended, and, if I so please, disgusted as well. I am only human.

I am sure, when a female squeezes herself into a size 4, when in all actuality she’s a size 14, there are some underlying body image issues. That isn’t something to make light of; but, I cannot see your size tag, nor can I see all the turmoil in your soul, all I can see is absolutely everything else. Yes, you DO look fat in that. Who let you leave the house in that? If that same size 14 woman put on the same outfit IN SIZE 14, then certain body parts wouldn’t be sneaking out and playing peek-a-boo!

Sweetheart… that’s a tank-top!

What about women who dress provocatively? Well, that’s a completely different topic and not exactly the point I am trying to make right now. Of course there are women that dress in the correct-sized clothing and still have everything hanging out everywhere- but those women have another set of issues. I call them whores. Just joking! No, but seriously, when did liberation mean that of body parts? Okay okay… I am getting off-track and into some trouble. Stay with me.

I am not some skinny bitch size 2, sitting around, typing away on my blog, eating cotton balls, mocking all of the plus size women that can’t fit their clothes. I speak from experience. My walk-in closet and deep dresser drawers contain articles of clothing from sizes 4 to 14. No joke. That is me, the story of my life, the ever-fluctuating woman. I used to lose the weight and then ritually burn the clothes. Okay, not really, but that would have been fun. I donated the over-sized clothes in celebration of my weight loss. This soon became an apparent waste of money, because all I’d have left is the size 4 to 9’s, but grew back into the 12 to 14’s. I have been that girl, especially in highschool, the one that picks up the size 4 when it more clearly should have been the 10. I have been that girl, the girl that is hanging out in undies, in the changeroom, making my belly button jiggle in the mirror, too embarrassed to just ask for “a larger size.” What I have learned through my journey of sizes is that it feels a hell of a lot better to pick up MY SIZE and then, possibly, be asking for a size smaller because of how that particular item may fit OR because all of my gym visits have paid off a bit. I have also learned that drowning my body in larger clothes, while feeling insecure, made me look frumpy, sloppy, sad and maybe even kind of angry. I have come to understand that squeezing into clothes that are far too small makes it hard to breath, cuts off circulation, makes me look a lot larger than I actually am AND is my butt-cracks invitation to sneak out and say helloooooo to everyone behind me.

Reality check! We are women. We are ALL beautiful! It’s not us looking bad in clothes, it’s just that sometimes certain clothes look bad on us. Let’s just start by choosing the right size. Please?

Queen Latifah: Plus-size and fabulous!